September 9, 2026
How to Help a Friend Who Might Be in An Abusive or Unhealthy Relationship
Watching a friend or loved one struggle in a relationship that may be abusive or unhealthy can be heartbreaking. You want to help, but you may not know how to approach them.
If you suspect that your friend or loved one is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and they are willing to talk about it, it’s important to have an open, non-judgmental conversation. Offering support in a compassionate way can encourage your friend to open up, while also letting them know that they are not alone. Here’s how you can approach the situation with care and sensitivity.
1. Create a Safe, Non-Judgmental Space
If you’re concerned about your friend’s relationship, it’s crucial to approach them without judgment. You want them to feel comfortable speaking openly. Avoid interrupting or reacting too quickly with your own opinions. Instead, listen actively and let them talk at their own pace. They may be feeling confused, ashamed, or afraid, and the last thing they need is to feel criticized, or blamed for what’s happening.”
When speaking with your friend, try to ask open-ended questions that allow them to reflect on their relationship and feelings without feeling judged. Instead of asking yes or no questions like, “Is he hitting you?” ask questions that help them open up about their experiences. For example:
- “How does he/ she make you feel when you’re together?”
- “What happens when you try to talk about how you feel?”
- “Have you ever felt unsafe or unsure about your relationship?”
These types of questions encourage your friend to express themselves honestly and may help them recognize some of the toxic or unhealthy behaviors they’ve been dealing with. It opens the door for them to share their feelings without feeling judged or pressured.
2. Validate Their Feelings and Experience
If your friend begins to open up, it’s important to validate their feelings and let them know that their experiences are real. Abusers often make their partners feel like they’re overreacting or imagining things (a pattern known as gaslighting), so your friend might doubt themselves. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel the way they do and that you’re there to support them.
3. Believe Them
It’s essential to believe your friend when they talk about what’s going on in their relationship. Sometimes, victims of abuse might downplay their situation or feel embarrassed to talk about it. They might even try to make excuses for their partner’s behavior, or convince themselves it isn’t as bad as it seems.
If your friend opens up about abusive or unhealthy patterns in their relationship, let them know that you believe them. Don’t question or deny their experience. As frustrating and perplexing as it might seem as to why they stay in this relationship, understand that abuse and domestic violence is complex.
Trust is crucial for any relationship, and showing your friend that you trust them to do what’s right for them, in their own best interest, when they feel the time is right can be a powerful step towards helping them feel safe.
4. Avoid Telling Them What to Do
It’s natural to want to “fix” the situation or tell your friend what you think they should do. However, it’s important to avoid giving advice or telling them to leave the relationship unless they are ready to hear it. People in abusive relationships often feel isolated or controlled, and they may not yet be ready to take action. Pressuring them to leave before they’re ready could make them shut down or even push them further away. Additionally, leaving isn’t always the safest option (in fact,
If you bad-mouth the abuser and they stay together, or they reconcile, it will strain their relationship with you and make it difficult to talk again. If you want her to continue to come to you, work to support your friend, which includes not badmouthing the abuser.
Instead, offer your support in a way that allows them to feel in control of their own decisions. You can say something like, “I’m here for you no matter what you decide, and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this.” Let them know that you respect their process and that they can reach out to you when they’re ready for help.
5. Provide Resources and Information
If your friend is open to it, provide them with resources that can help them understand what they’re going through and offer them options for support. Be sure to approach this with care. You could say, “There are some great resources out there that can help with situations like this, if you ever feel like you need advice or support.”
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE or TheHotline.org) is an excellent resource. They offer confidential advice, support, and resources for people who may be in abusive situations. If your friend isn’t ready to reach out for help, that’s okay; just knowing they have access to support can be empowering. TheHotline also has a terrific set of resources to help educate supporters and allies so that they better understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and can understand why it can be so difficult for people to leave.
6. Focus on Safety
If your friend shares details about abuse or dangerous behaviors present in their relationship, it’s important to help them think about safety. Leaving is not easy, and it isn’t always the safest option. Don’t push them to take action right away—simply offering information and safety planning can be a huge step. You could suggest:
- Talking with an advocate who can offer advice, support, and resources
- Creating a safety plan (like having a safe place to go or a trusted friend to call if things were ever to escalate)
- Memorizing important phone numbers (such as trusted friends, family members or domestic violence hotlines)
- Keep copies of important documents at a trusted friend’s house or in a safe deposit box: key documents like birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards, medical info, and copies of paystubs.
Again, only suggest these things if your friend is open to the idea. The goal is to offer options while respecting their readiness to act when they are ready to do so.
7. Offer Ongoing Support
The road to getting out of an abusive or unhealthy relationship can be long, and it’s important that your friend knows you’re there for them no matter what. Keep checking in with them regularly, but avoid overwhelming them. Let them know you care, and that they don’t have to face this alone.
Make sure your friend knows that their feelings and decisions are valid, even if they don’t leave the relationship right away. Breaking free from abuse can take time, and your consistent support can provide them with the strength they need when they’re ready to make a change.
You’re Not Alone—Help is Available
Helping a friend who might be in an abusive relationship can be challenging, but your support is so important. Remember, it’s not about solving the problem for them—it’s about being a non-judgmental, compassionate listener who can offer information and encouragement. If you’re unsure how to proceed or need additional support, there are many organizations that specialize in helping people navigate difficult situations like this.
If you or your friend need further resources, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE. Your support could make all the difference.
