Once you've decided to separate, you're probably also considering who should move out of your shared home. Going forward, where each of you lives will shape your monthly finances, how you spend your time on maintenance and upkeep, and how it will affect children or pets you share. Who vacates the home - and when - can also impact the legal process of your divorce. And you're probably trying to figure all of this out while grieving, tired, and possibly still sharing a bathroom with your soon-to-be ex.
We can't tell you who should stay or go. What we can do is walk through the questions that usually matter most, and what people often wish they'd known before someone decided they would be the one to stay (or leave).
If you are ever afraid of your partner, start here
The bulk of this article assumes two adults who can work out a fair plan as respectful equals. If your partner hurts you, threatens you, or controls you, that assumption doesn't hold. Your safety comes first.
Control isn't always obvious. It can be money you can't see, phones that get monitored or checked, or a partner who refuses to leave and dares you to make them. You don't have to be sure it counts as abuse to take proactive steps to protect yourself.
First and foremost, plan your exit with an advocate. Research consistently finds that separating from a controlling partner is one of the strongest risk factors for serious and escalating violence.¹ Many people also delay leaving out of fear of having to leave a pet behind.² If you need to use a temporary shelter, many now accept animals, and in many states a protection order can cover them. If you're preparing to leave, assume your phone, location sharing, and shared accounts may be visible to your partner, and take steps (in consultation with the advocate) to keep yourself safe by adjusting settings or disabling their access all together.
The person who is being abused may not have to be the one who leaves the home. In many states, a protection order can give one person temporary use of the home, even when both names are on the deed or lease. If you do leave to stay safe, you generally don't give up your share of the home or your belongings, and courts understand that people flee abuse. If you have children, get advice quickly so temporary parenting orders can be put in place. This is another great reason to consult with an advocate first, and review your options.
Consider: short-term, long-term
The question of “who moves out?” is actually in two stages, and it’s helpful to think about them separately:
- Who lives in the home while the divorce is underway?
- Who, if anyone, stays in the house after the divorce is finalized? (Will one of you buy the other out, will you sell it and split the proceeds, or something else?)
Start with the first question. You don't need to know where you'll end up to decide where everyone sleeps for now. Temporary arrangements do tend to become the baseline for what comes later, though, especially where children are involved. Treat the short-term plan as temporary, but consider it carefully.
Consider: if you have children
For many families, keeping the children in the house, at least for the short-term, is the steadiest option. Research supports that instinct. Children tend to cope better with family transitions when fewer things change at once.³ Stresses from these transitions hit hardest when they stack up: a new home, a new school, and a parent who they see less often, all in the same season.⁴ In particular, frequent moves in are linked to poorer outcomes for kids.⁵ (Of course, plenty of children move and do fine). Still, keeping their room, their school, and their bus stop the same can ease some of the pressure.
The arrangement you settle into early can shape what parenting schedule looks normal later. If you're the parent moving out and you want substantial time with your kids, talk to a family law attorney before you go, and put a temporary schedule in writing.
Usually, one parent decides to be the one to move out. Who stays often comes down to who has done more of the daily caregiving, whose schedule fits school hours, and who can afford, financially, to stay in the home.
Some families try nesting, where the children stay in the house and the parents rotate in and out, each keeping another place for their off days. It can buy time. It's also expensive and asks a lot of two people who are separating, so most families use it as a short bridge rather than a permanent solution.
Consider: whose name is on the lease or mortgage?
If you rent and you both sign the lease agreement, you're usually both on the hook for the full rent due each month until the lease ends, regardless of who lives there. Your landlord isn't bound by your separation agreement or divorce decree. Before anyone moves out, ask whether the landlord will remove a name from the lease, as well as what it would cost to break the lease. It may be that neither or you can afford to stay in the residence on a single income, and understanding that now gives you time to plan and prepare.
If you own your home, you’ll want to reference two documents:
- The deed shows who owns the house. You can find this with your closing documents, or on file with the county records departments where you own the property.
- The mortgage note shows who owes money to the bank. If you're both listed on the mortgage, you both stay responsible for the payments until the loan is refinanced, paid off through a sale, or in some cases assumed by one of you. A decree awarding the house to one spouse doesn't take the other off the loan, so missed payments can still damage both credit scores. This will be something to note down the road, and make sure it’s tied up when the divorce is finalized.
Moving out generally doesn't erase your share of a property you legally own. A few states still recognize desertion as grounds for divorce, though it usually requires being away for a long stretch with no intent to return. Until a court orders otherwise (as in the instance of a protection order), both spouses typically have a right to live in the home, so changing the locks on your own can backfire. And a house in one person's name may still be considered marital or community property, depending on your state’s laws, property purchase date, and how it was purchased. This varies enough by state that it's worth getting advice from a qualified legal professional in your area.
Consider: can you financially afford the home on your own?
A house payment was doable on two incomes may not work on one, even with financial support factored in. Before either of you commits to keeping it, put the mortgage or rent, insurance, taxes, utilities, and upkeep into a single-income budget, and consider whether this is something you can realistically take on.
Consider: who keeps the place running?
Someone mows the grass, cleans the gutters, changes the furnace filter, calls the plumber, and knows where the water shut-off is. In many homes, one person has carried most of those responsibilities, sometimes very quietly.
That isn't a reason to hand the house to whoever did the majority of the upkeep. People learn new skills after divorce all the time, and some find they like owning a toolbox. But be honest with yourself about what you're taking on. If you live on two acres and dislike yard work, picture doing all of it yourself, every weekend, possibly while parenting solo. You might still want that, but you might prefer a condo and having your Saturdays back.
Our [Household Tasks workbook] can help you see the full list before you decide.
Consider: where will the pets live?
Most people think of their pets as family. In most states, the law treats them as property, closer to a sofa than a child (sorry). But this is changing in some places. A small but growing number of states, including Alaska, Illinois, California, and New York, now let courts consider an animal's well-being when deciding who keeps it.⁶ Across much of the country, though, a judge won't order a visitation schedule for a pet. If you want to share where your pet lives and who cares for it, you'll likely need to agree on it yourselves.
Think about who has done the feeding, walks, and vet visits, and where the animal can realistically live. Many rentals restrict or prohibit having pets, and a large dog who has been accustomed to having a yard may struggle in a small apartment. If you have kids, keeping the pet with them may help keep their world feel more steady. Factor in costs as well, since vet bills and pet deposits add up. Whatever you agree on, write it down, including what happens if one of you moves or can no longer provide care.
Consider: the move-out date
The day someone moves out can be an important date for your case. In many states, the date of separation affects how property and debt are divided. Some states consider the separation date as the demarcation point between community and separate property claims. Other states use the separation date to start a waiting period before you can file. This is another very good reason to talk with a qualified legal professional in your state to see what applies to you.
Moving out isn't always the legal separation date. Couples can be separated under one roof, and spouses can live apart without the marriage being legally dissolved. But a move-out is strong evidence, and it can be disputed. A few months either way can shift a bonus or a retirement contribution from shared to separate. If the timing of the date affects a lot of money or assets, talk to an attorney.
Document the move out date, such as a lease change, a change-of-address confirmation, or a dated message.
Before anyone moves out
- If you have children or significant assets (including real property and personal property), a one-hour consultation with a family law attorney before the move is well worth the cost.
- Photograph or video each room and list the major items, so there's a record if questions come up later. Divisly, the guided inventory app from TheAfterEve, is designed for this.
- Leave shared property until you've agreed how to divide it. Removing it early can cause conflict and potentially legal trouble.
- Assemble copies of your tax returns, account statements, the deed or lease, mortgage statements, and insurance policies. Both parties should have copies.
- Write down your temporary plans: who pays housing costs and utilities, when the person who vacated can come by, and the temporary parenting schedule if you have kids.
If moving out isn’t feasible yet
Many couples stay under one roof for a while after deciding to separate, usually for financial reasons. It's challenging, but people do make it work. It's helpful to have clear agreements about space, finances, schedules, and how you’ll handle it if you have children together. Some states allow you to establish a separation date while still living together, which is another reason to keep records, as well as to talk with a licensed legal professional in the state where you live.
TheAfterEve provides general information, not legal advice. Laws on property, separation, parenting, and protection orders vary by state and change over time. For advice on your situation, talk with a family law attorney licensed where you live. If you're in danger, call 911. For confidential support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Sources
- Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., Koziol-McLain, J., et al. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089–1097.
- Ascione, F. R., Weber, C. V., Thompson, T. M., Heath, J., Maruyama, M., & Hayashi, K. (2007). Battered pets and domestic violence: Animal abuse reported by women experiencing intimate violence and by nonabused women. Violence Against Women, 13(4), 354–373.
- Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.
- Fomby, P., & Cherlin, A. J. (2007). Family instability and child well-being. American Sociological Review, 72(2), 181–204.
- Jelleyman, T., & Spencer, N. (2008). Residential mobility in childhood and health outcomes: A systematic review. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 62(7), 584–592.
