A breakup can feel like a personal loss, often causing a storm of emotions that can be overwhelming to navigate. One way to better understand your emotional journey during this challenging time is by considering the stages of grief. These stages, initially described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, can offer insight into the complex feelings that arise when a relationship ends. Note - the stages can come and go and reappear again. The process isn't linear, but the pattern of emotions is quite common and they do soften with time.

Stage 1: Denial after a breakup

If you are on the receiving end of a breakup, it’s common to feel shocked or in disbelief.   You might find yourself thinking that it’s just temporary, their feelings will change, it’s not that big of a deal, or struggling to accept that the relationship is truly over. During this phase, you may convince yourself that things will work out or that it’s not as bad as it seems.

Stage 2: Anger after a breakup

As the reality of the breakup sets in, feelings of anger or frustration may surface. You might feel angry at your ex, at yourself, or even at the situation. This anger can be a natural response to feeling hurt or betrayed, and it’s important to express it in a healthy way, whether through journaling or talking to a trusted friend.  If you have children in common from this relationship, be careful not to disparage their other parent in front of your child, no matter how angry you are.

Stage 3: Bargaining after a breakup

During this stage, you might try to make deals with yourself or your ex in an attempt to undo the breakup. The person on the receiving end of the breakup may promise to change in order to get the person to stay.  Thoughts like, “If only I had done this differently, maybe we could work things out,” are common. This stage can be challenging because it involves wishing for things to be different, or to go back to the way they were.

Stage 4: Depression after a breakup

Feelings of sadness or hopelessness can emerge as you begin to process the loss of the relationship. During this stage, you may experience a sense of grief over what you’ve lost, whether it’s the connection, shared memories, experience of daily life together, or the loss of future you had envisioned.  Thoughts like “I’ll never find love again,” or “it’s better to be alone” might crop up.  Seek support and help from trusted friends and family or a qualified counselor, focus on self-care, and healing by thinking about creating a positive vision for your future.

Stage 5: Acceptance after a breakup

Eventually, as time passes, you may come to accept the breakup. This doesn’t mean forgetting the pain of the breakup, separation, or divorce, but rather coming to terms with the closure of that chapter in your life. Acceptance is about finding peace and beginning the healing process, which can lead to personal growth and tremendous future happiness.

Understanding a breakup through these stages of grief can help you recognize that your emotions are part of a natural healing process.  It’s also very normal to bounce back and forth between the stages, to experience them at different times and intensities.  You are human.  It’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions, and healing will come in its own time.